So, did anyone of you wonder why on earth I was actually thinking about not going to my best friend’s funeral?
When I was thinking about it, I asked myself “why should I?”. And the first answer I came up with is “because you’re just suppose to!”. And that’s so true, you’re just suppose to go, it’s what you do! If you don’t show up, people will think you’re a self-centered asshole. But is that reason enough? I really don’t want people to think I’m an asshole. But compare that to all the planning, work and emotional control it required to going… there’s gotta be something else! How about “so you can say a final goodbye”? NO! I’m not there yet. I’m still in a little bit of denial. And when I get there, shouldn’t I be able to say goodbye to him in my way, in the way I think is appropriate. So that’s not it.. How about “to support everyone else”? Fair enough, but that didn’t happen since every ounce of conscious thought went into trying not to burst out in tears myself, so I wasn’t able to support anyone else. Which, in retrospect, I really should have.
The only valid reason I came up with was “to show everyone what a good friend of his you were”. So good that I’ll go through all of this, so good that I could actually give a little eulogy. And no, I’m not applauding myself here, it’s just that I’m wondering what the real purpose is, why does everyone else go through this?
On a happier note, the new design is absolutely beautiful, some of my best work. Will be up this weekend.
I’ve finally got some motivation and inspiration (translate – “Kris found a good, nice and easily adaptable design that he’s gonna steal”) to start on a new design for the pretty low-key’d site. Also working on a little memorial for my friend. Hey, we all deal with this our way!
Just got my web-statistics report. I’ve had about 500 people checking in on this page daily since February 25th. Thanx everyone!
Here are some pictures from the most beautiful, but also the worst, funeral I’ve ever been too:
Pic # 1 : Picture with everything in it. (including my stereo 🙁 )
Pic # 2 : Picture with everything in it. (including Eva 🙂 )
Pic # 3 : Close up of two of the most frequent Eden attires – his hat and custom made jacket.
Pic # 4 : Close up of a “Galaxy-class” model. That was his alias on the web, Galaxy-class
Pic # 5 : Close up of the Spock action figure I mentioned in the eulogy.
Pic # 6 : Picture fromt the side.
Pic # 7 : Picture from the reversed side post-service.
Pic # 8 : I don’t know if this is something pilots do every day over this cemetary (the biggest one I’ve ever seen) or if it was specially ordered today, but it was a nice touch.
That was my eulogy to my best friend Eden. Or rather how it was written, approved and memorized. Unfortunately I tense up when speaking in front of a crowd. Add to that a very near outburst of tears and I’m bound to miss a few things here and there. But I’m pretty sure everyone agrees that it wasn’t what I said, it was the fact that I got up to say something.
My eulogy to Eden
I’d like to take a minute to explain to everyone a little about Star Trek and what it meant to Eden.
Star Trek, and Trekkies, are usually considered very techie, asocial and geeky. And although that description may fit Trekkies like myself, it didn’t fit Eden. Eden was more into the human and social part of Star Trek and the always present “message” of the show. During it’s 600+ episodes, Star Trek has dealt with basically every human and social problem there is – everything from politics, racism to sexuality. And they’ve not been preaching what is right and wrong, but instead let it up to the audience to decide for themselves. Before I met Eden, this part of Star Trek had gone unnoticed by me. But he constantly came up with weird Star Trek influenced questions like “what is life”, “define love”, “what qualifies as intelligence”… Edens gift to me, Star Trek-wise, was to force me to think along those lines, and not just watch the show but actually use my intellect.
Eden really loved Star Trek, from when he cried like crazy if he didn’t get a Spock action figure when he was a kid to just three
weeks ago when he was sitting in my couch talking about the latest Star Trek episode, he lived Star Trek. So when planning
this whole thing, it seemed fitting to do it as Star Trek inspired as possible. Because if I had to put a lifestyle or religion on him, it’d be Star Trek.
But there was one philosphy in Star Trek he couldn’t live by – non-involvement.
He loved to get involved, create a stir and to just take the opposite side of whatever you were talking about. He didn’t do it to offend or tick anyone off – he just wanted people to think and use their minds, not give the standard or political correct answers. He hated people who just said what they were suppose to, so he argued to make them think for themselves. Although I considred this a good trait, it was often mistaken as something negative. The people who didn’t knew him may have thought he was a bit arrogant, wise-guy, know-it-all nitpicker. He loved to point out other peoples wrongs and to brag how much he knew, so therefor it took a special kind of person to become friends with him. I’m sure all of his friends have some funny story how they became friends with Eden. Mine is that I was exactly like him – nitpicky and bragged how much I know. So I picked up the gauntlet to take his arguments and we spent hours trying to break eachother in “who knows most about the least important thing in the world”. That might have ended in a verbal war between us, but instead we teamed up to become the dynamic duo of useless information.
That’s how our friendship started. And when he got a job up here in Stockholm, but didn’t have any place to live, he crashed at my place for about 6 months. And during that period of trials and tribulations we got to know each other so well and I look back on those 6 months as some of the best of my life.
When he did get his own place and moved out we had inevitably become great friends. And if there was something he excelled at,
it was taking care of his friends. With him, you never had to call and ask for help – he’d call you and offer his help! He bent over
backwards to help his friends, sometimes at his own expense.
So there is no doubt in my mind that I’m a better and happier person today thanks to him, and it’s with a smile on my face that I think
about him and the time I got to spend with him, the incredible original that he was. And noone can ever forget him because he made an impression on everyone he met or talked to. Sometimes good, sometimes not so good, but he always made a lasting impression.
The most pleasing thought I’d heard during the past weeks when asking “what is he doing now” is ‘” he’s probably sitting up there in heaven [or whatever you believe in] sharing a cold one with Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry “. That thought always brings a smile to my face.
And I’d like to close this with something I end all my mails with – a quote. This one from Star Trek II, said my Dr. McCoy:
“He’s not really dead. As long as we remember him.”
THANK YOU
Can you say a funeral was “perfect”? How about “beautiful”? Because that’s what it was! Everyone involved pulled everything off beatifuly, all practical problems were just solved, everything worked. The music, the atmosphere, the colors, hell – even the eulogy I managed to give was just beautiful. I’m sure Eden would have found something wrong with it, but as far as I know the only thing missing was just that – him. And then small touches, like people putting their communicators down instead of flowers, a small military salute… wow, and I was thinking of not attending…
I’d like to thank everyone who turned up! I was afraid not many would, but I was wrong. A special thanx to everyone in uniforms, I know Eden would’ve loved that. Credits go off to Ricki for keeping the entire thing together, Nic for musical recomendations, Eva for emotional support, Paramount for letting us use the copyrighted Starfleet logo, my father for letting me have the car and thereby solving so many practical problems..
It was really nice to feel the support everyone offered through this tragedy.
Well, let’s keep on Trekkin people!
Wanna hear a bad joke? “What is the one event you don’t want a front-row seat to?” – “A funeral”.
I’ve found that the best way to deal with this is humor. Anyway, somehow I wound up as the person responsible for giving a eulogy for my friends funeral. Is that heavy or what, and not in a good way!
Damn I hate funerals. I’ve been to four of them, and they have all pretty much sucked. I guess it’s because I’m just such a positive, optimistic happy guy that I just can’t take 50 or so people being that depressed and sad. And I have another one coming up next week. But as oppose to the other ones, this is someone who was really, really close to me. So I’ll be working all week trying to work up strength and courage to go there and get through it.
But on an optimistic note – guess who won… no, that’s not it… kicked ass?… no, not that either… DOMINATED the first Grand prix of the year? Ferrari baby, yeah! Over a second faster in training sessions, took pole with 0.4 seconds and even after one of them created some havoc and the other one slipping down to 4th by the first curve, they still came out on top with some 20 seconds to spare. And the best part of it – it was all done using last year’s cars!!
As promised, here is a page explaining how I’d want my funeral to be like, as well as some notes about “who gets what”.
Don’t think I’m suicidal or anything, it’s just that I don’t want anyone to have to go through what we’ve gone through in the last week. So to spare some practical problems, here are my wishes.
(yes, I know I should print and sign it to make it legally binding, but I’m trusting everyone will get along without contesting anything)
Yesterday I was emotionally exhausted! All this planning and talking is just exhausting. And today I’m physically exhausted. But that’s what you get when you’re up till 4.30 am to watch the F1 qualifying. That was an attempt at resuming normal life again.
Semi-succeeded. I think I’ve tried every therapy there is. Except the one that takes two.
If I work really hard to find some positive thing, it’s gotta be that now I have to plan my own funeral because I don’t wish anyone to have to go through what we have. So when I’m back to normal I’ll start writing all things down, what I want my funeral to be like. Just in case I’d be hit by a truck or something…
(and no, I’m not suicidal!)
Try and remember your weirdest dream, the one where nothing made sense and just weirded you out that you’re imagination is that weird. Well that’s the feeling I got today when I was sitting in an office planning my best friends funeral. Totally surreal and bisarre. That’s not the way it’s suppose to be! I’m the one always joking about not living past 60!
Now try and remember the most awkward moment, the one when you just didn’t know what to do and what to say. Then try to imagine coming up with anything to say to this very sweet couple who just lost their only child!
Am I being too egoistic here?
My best friend is gone. The shock has subsided. I’ve accepted it. Now I’m just waiting for the real shock when I realise I haven’t heard his voice in a while, seen his face, when I haven’t exchanged any new Star Trek jokes, when the next “Enterprise” episode airs and I’ll have to watch it alone… that’s when I’m expecting the second wave… now begins the unavoidable aftermath and trying to pick up the pieces. We’ll see how that goes. But for now, the small step has been to accept it and regain some emotional equilibrium (I just threw that one in because my mother complained I couldn’t spell, and that’s a hard word to spell!). Let’s see how it goes to go back to work. I’ve already tried once, didn’t get very far.
And just to make something very clear – the countdown I’ve been having for the past two months have been for the Australian Grand Prix, the opening of the F1 2002 season. As if that has any importance anymore.
My best friend is gone. I’ve accepted it now. Even though I can’t make any sense of it.
How tha fuck do you deal with this kind of thing? I’m doing my best trying to be optimistic, and then trying to think of all the good times I had with my friend, but every time I’m hit with the thought about all the good times we never had… like another friends wedding this summer, that was gonna be a blast… shit… I know you’re not suppose to feel this way, but I keep on feeling guilty for all things I didn’t do, for all times I wasn’t with him because I was too busy doing my own thing. and then I realise how fucking egoistic that is… but.. fuck, my best friend is gone… it feels so surreal, I spoke with him on sunday evening, and now he’s gone.
Nothing more I can say to him. Nothing more I can do with him, no more beer, no more watching “Star Trek” every week, no more…
It’s so fucking sad loosing someone you know so well and you’re on the same wave-length… we could just go on laughing for hours about something weird, or be in a room and one would say “you’re all different” and the other one would reply “I’m not”.. we knew each other so well and could finish each others sentences… no more of that..
my best friend is dead…
Today I got one of the worst calls a person can receive… my best friends is dead…
my best friends is dead…
my best friends is dead…
my best friends is dead…
my best friends is dead…
my best friends is dead…
… ???? !!!!!
…. my best friends is dead……..
Payday in Sweden. For most people anyway. Unless you didn’t know, we only get paid once a month in sweden, and most people get it on the 25th (although that depends on the company you’re working for).
Anyway, I got a real “heard of them first and got the T-shirt to prove it”-story. Guess who’s topping the charts here in Stockholm and who is played constantly on the radio and European MTV?… check my update on December 30th 🙂
5 days to go!
Things worked out even better for the ladies than I had hoped – the hockey-chicks got bronze and then Anja got the silver. So that makes the score “Women 5 – Guys 1”. But I stopped caring after the hockey game… haha 🙂 Still laughing at that game! 🙂
Less than week to go!!!
LOL! A BIG LOUD LAUGH AND A GOOD SMILE! I’m ofcourse talking about the hockey fiasco yesterday. Actually I guess I should say – THE OLYMPIC FIASCO DURING THE PAST TWO WEEKS!
Before the Olympics started, most people said “we’ll win 10 medals, easily!”. I wasn’t one of them. Then everyone kept talking how great Per Elofsson and Magda was and how they’d rule, and the swedish hockey team! We had all the NHL stars and everything was going our way. But it just wasn’t our Olympic game.
And do you know who I blame for getting me disappointed? The hockeyplayers for doing their best on a bad day? Salo, the goalie who made one mistake and one slip? NO! THE PRESS. THE MEDIA! The so called experts! Haha on them, they were all frigging wrong! I don’t think they should demand anyone to resign, if anyone should it should be them! If they hadn’t been experting all over pumping up the hopes for swedish medals I wouldn’t be disappointed now!
But as always – LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE! Swedish has 4 medals right now. One silver belonging to a no-name (actually his nams is Rickard Rickardsson, no joke!), but still, noone expected the snowboarders to get a medal. (again, the experts should resign!) But the greatest thing is – the three bronzes all came from chicks! 3/4 medals are thanx to women. Let’s just hope the swedish female hockey team can take home the glory of the bronze medal and it’ll be “Women 4 – Guys 1”. Haha, I was laughing all the way to work this morning, Belarus (or however they spell it), they had one NHL star and unfortunately the better goalie… I just love an underdog!
One week and one day left….
Just over a week left now…
Last minute preperations… here goes… if you wanna make a surprise appearence, here’s some info about the service.
Ok, so perhaps I was a bit too harsh about the Olympic opening. Sure there were good things, like Leann Rimes and ofcourse a person who holds a very special place in any “South Park”-fan’s heart – Brian Boitano!
So far, the show’s been a bit of a let-down, but that’s probably because the hockey hasn’t really begun yet!
On a completely different note, remember how much I dislike the modern music industry? Well, it seems my idol and role model Kevin Smith totally agrees with me. (or perhaps it’s the other way around?). I read a recently published article he wrote about how much he dislikes Britney Spears. And his conclusion was… obvious! (“People are into Britney Spears because they want to fuck Britney Spears”)
But although it was obvious, it still takes a man like Kevin to actually say it and to make it sound good! Check out his articles here.
Two weeks and three days to go….
