The spontaneous answer to the question “why am I still single” will probably be related to my lack of good looks or lack of gym-time, rather than my personality. But this new year I was faced with the personality-related problem I have – my incredible reluctance to taking the initiative with women! It’s a real problem I have that I just can’t take the initiative. During the little party at my sister’s, a friend of theirs showed up, totally ok in all departments (as far as I could tell), and what do I do?…. nothing! Although it probably wouldn’t have gone anywhere (’cause she tried to make me wear a tie and you know how I feel about that), and she probably wasn’t interested anyway, but the thing is I never bothered finding out. So if there’s one thing in my personality that I wish I could just change that’d probably be it…
As I’ve said a couple of times, I’m not a big believer in love at first sight or getting feelings just looking at a woman. My philosophy has been that a beautiful woman can only peak my interest, nothing more. So how come I’m still thinking of a woman I saw and who’s beauty I was admiring for hours but never got around to talking to? It’s been 6 days, let it go!
See my biggest problem, which is the main contribution to why I’m still single, is that I can never take the initiative with women. It just doesn’t work for me, I tense up, get reminded of how I’ve been burnt in the past and end up looking like a geek. If I even get that far! Last saturday, I didn’t get that far! She was constantly on her feet running around during the dinner and later she was always surrounded by her women friends. And if I suck at going up and talking to a beautiful woman standing alone, I’m ten times more nervous and afraid if they are in a group. It’s like flying into enemy territory, being shot down and reminded that you forgot the parachute! Ofcourse, there is no certainty you will get shot down unless you take a chance. But I can’t do it. So the only thing stopping me is me 🙁
But I’m still working on it, very slowly.
Another couple made in heaven, Tomas & Jenny, also had a happening weekend and adding to the “world is already overcrowded”-problem by having a daughter.
CONGRATULATIONS!
(and there were much rejoicing)
So it turns out it was coincidence after all, cause she’s getting married in the near future. Good for her! And I really mean that. And as far as the guy goes… I can’t tell you how many sunday mornings that guy has been responsible for waking me up 🙂
I heard another dead-on, totally perfect quote today : “I don’t love you because you’re beautiful. You’re beautiful because I love you.”
Now who can argue with that? I have two examples which proves that theory, and they are both named Maria. I’m not gonna bother you with the sobby story about either of them, I’ll just leave you to wonder about the quote yourself. (of course, with my luck with women if I’d ever apply that quote the person on the receiving end would interpret it as “you aren’t really good looking, but I like you anyway”, which would be an insult… hm, loose-loose situation… kinda like the pants which are always the perfect size and never makes any part of the female body look too big!)
The reason I haven’t been updating is that I wanted to get as many mails as possible about the recent events. And I’ve gotten alot of them, most of which agree with me. For a while there I was worried I’d gotten this entire relationship/love thing all wrong, but most people seem to agree that I shouldn’t change or give up a part of my life just because a woman demands it.
There was however three good points made against me, one of which from friends of mine!
The first one said that it was typically male to loose interest in a woman once he’d gotten her in bed. I can’t answer on behalf of all the men in the world, but that is totally untrue, and in this case, got me even more interested in this woman.
The second one said I shouldn’t be surprised she was making demands as if we were a steady couple already because I had rushed things so much. Did we rush things? I don’t know about the rest of the world, but I don’t think we rushed things that much?!
And then a friend (you know who you are!) told me “Kris, you spend too much time with your comp!” and suggested I should not be sitting in front of my computer when she was in the shower. Another (female) friend just said the same thing, although she went one step further – “you should have gotten into the shower with her!”. In my defense, I know she didn’t want me to because she had locked the door. (although I didn’t know that at the time, I heard her unlocking it when she came out, and I remember wondering why she locked it, I mean I had already seen her naked…)
And for those of you who are curious about “what happened then?” – nothing. I haven’t heard anything from her, and I’m not calling since I still don’t see were I went wrong. And she knows this page exists (she read it on the sunday after our first date) so I presume she knows how I feel about all this.
Anyway, 7 weeks to go….
Well that was fun while it lasted. I’m now single again 🙂
The story of a 7 day romance
A friend of mine set us up. He knew and what I liked in a woman, and his girlfriend knew this girl so they set it up.
First date, Saturday : Nice romantic dinner in a little quiet Italien restaurant. Everything went great. We had a really good time and liked each other. But it didn’t go all the way, although I did accompany her home, but that was it. We did agree to spend New Years Eve together so I called off my prior plans to party with some friends.
Second date, Tuesday : We decided it was best to go home to her since I can’t cook and my place is a mess. Once again a very nice romantic dinner followed, and then alot of talking, watching fireworks, then proceeding to bed and afterwards continued talking. (for once, I had no problem staying awake) Everything was peachy.
Third-kinda date, Wednesday : This was “kinda” third, but not really since it was just a continuation from Tuesday. We eventually got out of bed and went into Stockholm to see “Lord of the Rings”. Three hours in a 10% full cinema. Perhaps that’s why I didn’t like it, I was only semi-watching it. We kissed off at the trainstation and agreed to spend this weekend together. No specifics, just “weekend”.
Fourth date, Friday : Little did I know “weekend” meant comming home to my place at 8 on friday evening! I barely had time to clean up my apartment. Anyway, I did manage to fix a dinner and we sat in my soffa talking the night away while watching “Friends” on DVD. That’s when it started going bad! She noticed my pictures of Jeri Ryan, Natalie Portman and Helen Hunt on my wall, and she…
STOP! “Don’t tell me you left your pics of beautiful women hanging on the wall!?” Indeed I did! First of all, she had a poster of a semi-naked Marcus Shenkenberg (swedish modell) on her wall. And B – she had a pic of a topless Brad Pitt as her background on her computer. And finally, I didn’t have time since she just popped in unannounced.
Anyway, she, based on those and some of my DVD’s, thought I was a little fixed on beautiful women. I tried to turn that around to a compliment, no luck. Then we had a serious debate about it, but she still wasn’t totally convinced. Night proceeded great and I feel asleep spooning her. Isn’t that nice?
Fifth-kinda date, Saturday : Again, it was a continuation so not really “fifth”. She got up earlier than me (big shock, huh?) and started surfing around the web on my computer which is…
STOP! “Don’t tell me you left your computer on and logged in giving her access to all files on your computers!?” I indeed did. I didn’t think she would surf around or check around my local network. She did surf some, but didn’t check around my local network, so no worries there. And there’s nothing on any of my computers I can’t defend having there!
So, anyway!! My computer is constantly connected to the web, with ICQ always running and my mailer checking mail once every minute and I also have a “To-do-list” in the background. As she was surfing she noticed I had a lot of bookmarks in my browser pointing to Natalie Portman pages. And then she intercepted a couple ICQ messages about NataliePortman.com and my swedish Natalie site. And when my mailer get’s a mail it kinda lites up so she was curious what that flying bat was about and clicked it and saw (yes, I believe this was unintentional!) some mails about a new chat project on NataliePortman.com and another mail about redoing an image-archive page.
She closed it down and when she closed it down my “To do list” was just behind it and that was filled with NataliePortman.com things. She went to shower and that’s when I woke up, checked my mail and started writing a couple of SHTML-pages on this chat-project. That’s when she came in here, saw what I was doing and right away freaked how much work I actually put into these pages and projects. “About 5-10 hours per week, depending on how much there is to do” (sometimes more for special projects). So again we had a debate that was going badly for both of us, and when she was beginning to say “I’m not comfortable having a boyfriend who spends this much time working (non-profit) on a page dedicated to this girl, that you also have a (signed) picture of on your wall and…”
That’s when I stopped her because I saw exactly where she was going and told her “Don’t give me the ultimatum to give up a part of my life, you’ll loose. We haven’t reached that stage in our relationship yet!”.
And thus, I’m single again. So why am I writing this here, although I’ve said once I’d not bother you guys with my romantical life?
Because I need your advice on this!
First of all, if I was in a serious relationship I would on my own free will give up this specific part of my life. For example, I freely called off my 3-months old plans to spend New Years with some friends and spend it with her! And I know that a big part of a relationship is making compromises. And I’m all for that, as a relationship goes on! Not after 7 days, that’s just too early for her to make demands like that. Isn’t it ?
I could ofcourse have saved this relationship by doing things like taking down the pictures of women on my wall, limiting the access on my computer when I’m not here, and say “sorry, you’re right, I’ll mail the guys at NP.com and tell them I quit”. I could have done that. But then it wouldn’t be me! She wouldn’t be dating me anymore! She would be dating another Kris, the Kris who’s already showed her who’s the boss and constantly worry about offending his new girlfriend.
So what do you think? Am I stupid for not changing the way I am to please a woman I’ve just started dating? Does she have the right to demand that of me already? Am I just idiotic and immature for still having beautiful pictures of women on my wall? (another comment on those pictures – they are beautiful and stylish, not at all sexy!) And was she fair starting this discussion when she just got out of the shower only wearing a towel when she knows this is a turn-on for me?!
I just want to make this last point very clear – I did not give this woman up for any fantasy or obsession involving Natalie Portman! She could have asked me to give up Formula 1, same result. She could have asked me to give up “Star Trek”, wearing black or singing in the shower, it would have ended the same way.
Please send in any comments or advice you may have on this, I could really use it!